Another Me, Another You
by Annie Coomes
Summary: The darker side of the Doctor and Rose’s relationship. Where uncertainty wreaks havoc upon love.


Lyrics – Who Am I by Will Young

Summary: The darker side of the Doctor and Rose's relationship. Where uncertainty wreaks havoc upon love.

* * *

Another Me, Another You

_Sometimes you know you push me so hard  
I don't know how I feel  
You almost make me doubt I feel at all_

Sometimes it shocked the Doctor, how often he found Rose curled into a little ball in her bed. Her duvet pulled up to her shoulders where her arms hugged herself, her face was always pressed into the pillows but he could see the gentle shudder of her back as she tried so very hard not to sob.

Some days he would sit beside her on the bed and stroke her back, soothe her tired back and wipe her stinging tears. But other days he would stand back in the doorway, just watching, almost hating her for hurting him like this.

She didn't realise how much she hurt him when she cried. She didn't realise how she nearly broke his hearts with each sob she released. Nor did she realise how it distanced herself from him.

Each time she cried he felt guilty, ashamed of the life he was leading. The first few times he'd tried to fight the urge to take her home, to hold her until the moment was passed, until the horrors she had seen that day had passed from her memory. But lately he was noticing that wasn't the reason she sobbed. When she saw death and despair he saw the darkness in her eyes, he saw the pain that wrecked her features – but he never saw her cry.

It had taken him a while to realise why she cried and very slowly it had dawned on him. She cried because of him.

_It's not as though I always listen  
But there's just so much I don't hear  
Maybe I'll never be what you want  
I know that all you're asking for  
Is a little place in my heart  
But I don't find it easy to give_

Regularly he found himself standing in her doorway, unable to sleep himself he would wander the corridors until he found the crack of light from beneath the doorway. Sometimes he would wander in, longing for the sense of release he would find in one of her hugs. But sometimes he would stand and watch, afraid and ashamed of what her hugs made him felt. He knew it was wrong to feel that way about a companion, but when he saw her sitting there, thinking heavily as she twisted her hair, he couldn't help but love her.

Sometimes after one of those hugs, the hugs that enveloped him and captured him. Sometimes after he would see the look in her eye, the need and hope, and then the pain as he walked away. He couldn't do that to her. He didn't know if he was being selfish or protective. To deny loving her to save himself from the pain of losing her.

It was worse when she wept. When he hid behind another female, pretending to care about them, hoping it would reduce the effect Rose had upon him. Yet it never worked. It just made her cry and developed his self hatred.

_Maybe I get a little selfish sometimes  
Why shouldn't I?  
I used to say I love you  
But would it make a difference this time?_

Standing in her doorway, the Doctor knew the only thing that would cease her crying. That would cause her to turn around with such a speed that her golden curls would fly around wildly, that would cause her mouth to drop and her eyes to widen before a smile would develop her features into beauty. Three tiny words – ones he feared speaking, ones he dreamt of but awoke before they could form on his mouth, ones that had almost slipped out as she dazed and dazzled him. Words he feared for the repercussions they brought.

The Doctor knew if he told her then everything would change. For the better, but also for the worse. He knew that her tears would stop, and a smile would alight her face, and that she would finally press her lips against his. But he knew of the pain that followed and it was too great to burden upon her. The pain when she died, the near death experiences, the women he turned to when he tried to deny his feelings, the strain of travel on their lives. He'd seen it all before, he'd felt it all before and he loved her too much to do that to her.

_I always find a reason why I didn't put you first  
It's not that complicated I know  
I really hate it when you shake your head like this ain't gonna work  
Maybe you'll never reap what you sow_

What the Doctor hated the most was when she sensed his presence, the way she would wipe her face on her sleeve and brush away the last remands of tears. The way she would roll over and look up at him, her face seeming so bare and innocent in the pale light of darkness. And then she would watch him – waiting for him to step into the room and bundle her into his arms, to whisper words of comfort in her ears until she fell asleep cradled against his chest.

Except that rarely happened – only in moments of pure weakness where he needed to be with her as much as she needed to be with him. Otherwise he would just smile and nod his head, stepping back into the darkness of the hallway, shutting her door behind him before falling to the floor. It was in these moments of darkness where he would rest his head against his knees and hear her renewed sobs as she tried to bury them in the softness of her pillow. She never succeeded.

_And who am I to tell you that I would never let you down  
That no-one else could love you half as much as I do now  
And who am I to tell you I'll always catch you when you fall  
Well I, I wouldn't be myself at all  
I wouldn't be myself at all, at all._

Sometimes the Doctor knew how badly Rose needed to hear those words, but he knew he couldn't burden her with his love – even if it was what she craved. She didn't deserve what came along side it. The pain, the loss, the regenerations and the deaths, the life without knowing – without existing outside his own warped reality. She didn't deserve to lose touch with everything – back when seven days all had special meanings, but now he just called it a week. She deserved to keep her innocence and her intelligence, she deserved to be able to read and understand – not to just have a thousand symbols in twenty languages, all fading to mean the same words which meant nothing. She deserved more than this. More than him.

She didn't deserve his broken promises of protection and of safety when he knew he'd break them time and time again. Like he'd already done – like he'd already proved to her. She deserved to live.

_I didn't want to do what everybody does  
And hide the truth to find we never knew a thing about love  
Cos this is real life, real love  
And knowing what it comes down too  
It just might be enough_

Leaning against the door, watching her cry again, as another endless night settled over them – he knew he couldn't take anymore. He needed Rose as much as she needed him – if not more. He stepped into her room, the faint light of the hallway catching his feature and darkening them.

Rose rolled over, tears no longer stung her face – she'd ran out of tears months ago, she just stared at him blankly, having lost all expectations of the man she loved.

The Doctor froze – almost losing his nerve in the unwavering gaze of her stare.

'Doctor?' she asked softly, her words breaking the silence that had fallen over them. Slowly he moved forwards, until he was before her, until his hands could reach out and softly touch the paleness of her skin. She watched him unsurely, not knowing of what to come and not wanting to expect anything of him. Slowly he leant forward, leaning his forehead against hers

'I'm sorry' he whispered against her skin – his breath warming her. She smiled softly and shook her head

'Don't be' she murmured. He watched her eyes, they were so bright as they watched him. He smiled at her, his fingers gently tracing the edge of her lips

'I love you' he admitted quietly, so softly that she almost didn't hear him. Rose didn't speak, she just nodded, wrapping her arms around his torso.

'It's gunna be okay Doctor' she promised against his cheek.

'Is it?' he asked into her hair

'Yes. It's always gunna be okay' she murmured as she raised her face to meet his – a smile gently gracing her lips. He studied her eyes in the darkness, almost confused by the intelligence that lit them.

'I love you too Doctor' she whispered as she softly pressed her lips against his.

In the darkness of her room, where fallen tears had dried away, the Doctor finally found the peace he had been looking for – in the arms of the woman he would always love, however much he tried to avoid it or denied it, he finally accepted it. He would love Rose Tyler for all of time – and to be perfectly honest, he was okay with that.


End file.
